Tales from the Gym (part 3)

This will (hopefully) be my last tales from the gym for the foreseeable future… I’ve ran the last 4 days (24 miles) outside and I think I’ve successfully readapted for the time being…. But for now... here it is... another exciting installment of TALES FROM THE GYM!!!

Chapter 3: Track Bowling


My gym has a indoor track - 13 laps to a mile - which means if you try to run anything much faster than an 8 minute mile pace you begin to feel like you’re running in the gravatron…

Here’s a little diagram I mocked up of the track setup.

Now this track has 3 separate lanes and it’s common policy at the gym for all runner’s to occupy the outermost lane while walkers use the inner two (which are 14 laps to a mile and 15 laps to a mile). This is fine except, as you can see, there are 5 separate doorways that all open onto the outermost lane of the track. --- So that means that if I wanted to run a mile… hmmm, lets see… that’s 13 laps… times 5… carry the 2… = ABOUT A GAZILLION opportunities for people to step directly in front of you while you’re trying to run!!!

Now sure… they’re multiple signs hanging on, around, and in front of each doorway advising members to “Caution: Please Watch for Runner’s When Entering Track”. However, if you’ve read my previous “Tales From the Gym” post, then you’re well aware that reading and following signs is not a forte for many of the people who frequent my gym... which leads to the phenomenon that I’m going to discuss today: Track Bowling.

Definitions:

Track Bowling - When you're running around the track and run smack into someone as they step out in front of you.

The Spare - When they step out leaving me just enough time to channel my inner Barry Sanders (or for my younger readers: Chris Johnson) and nimbly dodge out the of way... sparing us both from injury and disaster.

The Strike - A direct hit!!! When they step out in front of me at I don't have enough time to dodge, but do have enough time to get my guard up to protect myself as I run them over!!!

Foot Fault - They step one with just one foot, giving me time to either hurdle, parry, or stomp the offending foot.

The Sleeper - When you dodge around one person only to run into another who is occupying the middle lane.

The Hook - When one of the walkers in the middle lane is too occupied texting on their cell phone to notice they're coming up on a turn in the track causing them to walk straight into the outer lane while allowing me to follow the curve and hook into them.

7 - 10 Split - When the same person walks out in front of me on one side of the track, walks across the inside of the track through the exercise equipment area, and then walks out in front of me again as I come around on the other side of the track... normally some meathead going from the stretch room to the weight room or vise-versa.

The Turkey - When the same person walks out in front of me three times in a session... Funny thing is that they always have that shocked deer in the headlights look when they realize that I'm barreling down on them... common buddy, three times in one workout? WTF... are you the guy from Memento or something?

Gutter Ball - When the entire track is occupied because "El Gordo" the fat trainer and his buddies are standing around in front of the weight room shooting the shit and you are forced to run off the track onto the exercise equipment area to get around them.

The 300 game - When I complete an entire indoor track workout without running into or dodging anyone!!! (BTW, has yet to happen)

Something that always amazes me at the gym: How people can manage to be so completely self-absorbed while simultaneously lacking any semblance of self-awareness…

Tales from the Gym (part 2)

Chapter 2: El Gordo the Fat Trainer

Here follows the second installment of my multiple part "Tales from the Gym"... in my previous entry I discussed my thoughts on the rather liberal nature that some of the older gentleman display themselves in the locker room... (As an addendum to that post I would like to add that they have now taken up dehumidifying their post shower neither-regions with the hair dryers that are conveniently located right next to the locker room scale which I occasionally like to use)...

In this follow up post I would like to change topics and present you with the tale of one of my favorite employees at the gym...

At my gym there is a personal trainer who I call El Gordo (The Fat Man). I call him this because he is obese. Now I don't want to sound fat bias. I've struggled with my own weight from time to time and I can only admire and commend the overweight people at my gym who are working hard to improve their physical condition. That being said, I have to draw the line at fat personal trainer.

How are you supposed to listen to fitness advice from someone who doesn't even follow it himself? Case in point, he is the guy who is in charge of running the weekly weigh-ins and during one of the weigh-ins he was eating a plate of chicken nuggets and fried rice... I mean seriously man? You're eating fried food at a gym while you're supposed to be overseeing a group of people who are participating in a challenge about losing weight?

But what's worse than his obesity is his attitude. I might be able to overlook his portly nature if he brought something else to the table (besides deep fried twinkies, shame on you Good Morning America) but the guy also happens to be the most annoying guy at the gym. He's always goofing around with the patrons, loudly telling inappropriate stories, sitting around on the machines, and stepping out onto the indoor track and conversing with his buddies while people are trying to run. Come on... if anyone should know better it should be a gym employee!

And on a personal note, this is the same guy who keeps telling me I'm overweight because my BMI is over 25, and believes that my body-fat percentage jumped from 16% to 19% in one week even though I lost 4 pounds over that time.

So listen up boys and girls... if you're at the gym running on the treadmill or laying on the benchpress and you here creaking floor boards and a loud and jolly laugh (did I mention he has a really loud and annoying laugh which is nearly constantly erupting from his fat face) you may be in the presents of El Gordo... Be afraid... Be very afraid!!!

Tales from the Gym (part 1)

It's getting cold and I'm running injured so consequently I've been spending way more time than I'd like to at the gym... now don't get me wrong... I love working out, but my gym is a bit creepy. Unfortunately it's two blocks from my house, cheaply priced, decently equipped, and has an indoor track and racquetball courts so for better or worse I'm stuck with it...

but still like I said... it's creepy... so I decided to write a multipart series explaining why...

Chapter 1: Attention Members:



In my gym, much like in gyms all across America there is a locker room. I try to avoid this locker room for the most part but it does contain the bathrooms, the scale, and the sinks so I do find myself forced to venture in there every once in a while. Now, I think that most male locker rooms contain a fair share of full frontal male nudity... it's pretty much an unavoidable fact of life... I've come to accept that fact... I mean, I'm a mature adult... I can handle a few naked men changing, showering, etc as long as we can all look the other way and mind our own business. Unfortunately some of the members of my gym must have different ideas of what proper locker room etiquette is... for in my gym there is a sign that read:

Attention Members: In respect for our other guests please wear proper gym attire or other attire while sitting on the chairs in the tv room. Thank you.

Now there's a couple things wrong with the sign... First off, why is there a tv room in the locker room to begin with? Do people really need to sit around the stinky locker room just to watch tv? And given that there is a tv room, why do we need a sign asking us to not watch tv naked in the public locker room? Why would anybody do that?... and to the people who do that... Why don't you read the damn sign???

Yes, that's right... More often then not there is some naked old fat guy (or guys) sitting in there in his birthday suit watching tv without a care in the world... What I can't understand is why? Does he tell his wife that he's going to the gym to workout and then hide in the locker room naked and exposed watching tv... I can't even begin to fathom it (or fathom the idea of sitting in one of those chairs after they've been thoroughly slathered by old man balls!!!)

And here's another question... Why does the tv room have to be situated in direct view of the locker room entrance? Needless to say you can't walk into my gym's locker room with out getting an eyeful of the above pictured bird.

I mean like I said, it's an inevitable fact of the men's locker room... and there seems to be an direct relationship between how old and hairy you are and how comfortable you are with your own naked body (and how much you're willing to exhibit that comfort to others).

Oh well, could be worse... and let me tell you how: One time I walked into the sauna of the Southern Illinois University rec center (ok my bad for going in there)... and you're not going to believe this (wait for it)... but there was actually a big fat (like 350+ lbs) black guy (not that it matters if he was white or black but I want to make sure that everyone gets a clear picture of this in their heads) and that guy was shaving his balls with a Bic razor (well some kind of safety razor at least. I didn't actually stick around long enough, or inspect close enough to determine the brand name of the razor)... So I guess I should thank my lucky stars that geriatric exhibitionist television watchers is all I have to deal with at my current gym.

Alright... well that was a lot I had to get off my chest (chestnuts??? Dr. Dre: The Chronic circa 1993). Thus ends the first horrific tale of my multipart series "Tales from the Gym"... be afraid... be very afraid!!!