Thursday, November 5, 2009

Tales from the Gym (part 1)

It's getting cold and I'm running injured so consequently I've been spending way more time than I'd like to at the gym... now don't get me wrong... I love working out, but my gym is a bit creepy. Unfortunately it's two blocks from my house, cheaply priced, decently equipped, and has an indoor track and racquetball courts so for better or worse I'm stuck with it...

but still like I said... it's creepy... so I decided to write a multipart series explaining why...

Chapter 1: Attention Members:

In my gym, much like in gyms all across America there is a locker room. I try to avoid this locker room for the most part but it does contain the bathrooms, the scale, and the sinks so I do find myself forced to venture in there every once in a while. Now, I think that most male locker rooms contain a fair share of full frontal male nudity... it's pretty much an unavoidable fact of life... I've come to accept that fact... I mean, I'm a mature adult... I can handle a few naked men changing, showering, etc as long as we can all look the other way and mind our own business. Unfortunately some of the members of my gym must have different ideas of what proper locker room etiquette is... for in my gym there is a sign that read:

Attention Members: In respect for our other guests please wear proper gym attire or other attire while sitting on the chairs in the tv room. Thank you.

Now there's a couple things wrong with the sign... First off, why is there a tv room in the locker room to begin with? Do people really need to sit around the stinky locker room just to watch tv? And given that there is a tv room, why do we need a sign asking us to not watch tv naked in the public locker room? Why would anybody do that?... and to the people who do that... Why don't you read the damn sign???

Yes, that's right... More often then not there is some naked old fat guy (or guys) sitting in there in his birthday suit watching tv without a care in the world... What I can't understand is why? Does he tell his wife that he's going to the gym to workout and then hide in the locker room naked and exposed watching tv... I can't even begin to fathom it (or fathom the idea of sitting in one of those chairs after they've been thoroughly slathered by old man balls!!!)

And here's another question... Why does the tv room have to be situated in direct view of the locker room entrance? Needless to say you can't walk into my gym's locker room with out getting an eyeful of the above pictured bird.

I mean like I said, it's an inevitable fact of the men's locker room... and there seems to be an direct relationship between how old and hairy you are and how comfortable you are with your own naked body (and how much you're willing to exhibit that comfort to others).

Oh well, could be worse... and let me tell you how: One time I walked into the sauna of the Southern Illinois University rec center (ok my bad for going in there)... and you're not going to believe this (wait for it)... but there was actually a big fat (like 350+ lbs) black guy (not that it matters if he was white or black but I want to make sure that everyone gets a clear picture of this in their heads) and that guy was shaving his balls with a Bic razor (well some kind of safety razor at least. I didn't actually stick around long enough, or inspect close enough to determine the brand name of the razor)... So I guess I should thank my lucky stars that geriatric exhibitionist television watchers is all I have to deal with at my current gym.

Alright... well that was a lot I had to get off my chest (chestnuts??? Dr. Dre: The Chronic circa 1993). Thus ends the first horrific tale of my multipart series "Tales from the Gym"... be afraid... be very afraid!!!

1 comment:

  1. Hey! Thanks for your delightful comment on my blog about marathon goals. it was funny and poignant!

    As for your gym...I don't even want to imagine what some of those people do in their birthday suits when they're NOT at the gym showing off...