Monday, March 15, 2010

6.66 Virutal RR

I signed up for the race innocently enough… a 6.66 mile virtual run? Sure sounds fun. Count me in… But then I started to see the signs. I had stumbled onto something big. Something dangerous, yet alluring… I started to recognize patterns…
  1. It started with the title: “Global Warming, My Ass!* 6.66 Mile run”… but move the comma and you get… “Global War, Ming my Ass!* 6.66 Mile run”… A running ritual which, if successfully completed, could set off a chain reaction resulting in a global war that could set human civilization back to the Ming Dynasty!!!
  2. That’s right, the Ming Dynasty 1368-1644… you know who else was alive during the Ming Dynasty? LEONARDO DEVINCI (made famous in the Devinci Code by Dan Brown)
  3. But let’s take a closer look at the name Dan Brown. A two syllabic name, Daniel, shortened to Dan, followed by a single syllabic last name, Brown. Guess, who else’s name follows this pattern? Al(bert) Gore! Creator of both Global Warming and the Internet… The two phenomena which make this little event possible… Plus you know who else’s name follows this little pattern (or "code" if you will) Thomas Hanks. That’s right the notorious Forrest Gump himself!
  4. Now let’s take a step back to the whole Ming Dynasty thing… Who would benefit from sending us back to the Ming Dynasty? An Archeology Student Of Course!!! Why study the past when you could live in it!!! And you know who’s a archeology student? Xenia, the person who suggested the distance for this race (the conspiracy deepens!!!)
  5. And speaking of Xenia, do you happen to know who Xenia’s BFF is??? Beelzebub!
  6. And now let’s go back to the all-important comma. Without it there would be no asterisk in the race title… the final clue that busted this whole conspiracy wide open… go over to Razz’s blog and check out the asterisk. Looks harmless enough, right… but when I zoomed in and enhanced… here’s what I got.

There was no doubt in my mind. I had somehow been invited to take part in an ancient (circa 1996) runner’s ritual; a ritual where runners across the blogosphere sacrifice their time and effort to the Running God’s. I knew the dangers I would face if I continued down the path I was on. Unfortunately, I had already committed myself by heedlessly typing “I’m in” in the comment section of a blog. It was too late to turn back now! I must run the virtual race and see how it all played out.

I scheduled my race day for Saturday, a day when I was already scheduled to do a 5 mile tempo run. Appropriately, it happened to be cold and rainy on Saturday… (feel free to read this part out loud in a Dana Carvey church lady voice) how convenient! I was therefore resigned to head to my gym to complete my virtual race on the (cue thunderous echoing voice) Dreadmill of Doom!!!

I stepped onto the Dreadmill of Doom!!! and attempted to program in a custom distance of 6.66 miles… and after some head scratching, cursing, and button mashing I was on my way. A nice 6.66 mile tempo run at a 7:16 pace.

It took about 15 seconds for the treadmill to get up to speed. So I figured I’d briefly knock down the pace a tiny bit to make up for lost time. I was now at 7:11 pace.

The first mile went by without a hitch. The pace was brisk but manageable. This isn’t so bad I thought to myself… but then, suddenly, at the one mile mark exactly, the treadmill started to slow down to a 15:00 minute pace... all by itself!!! (read: having nothing to do with my inexact abilities to properly program a treadmill) That’s right, the Dreadmill of Doom!!! had become possessed by a demonic spirit.

The slowdown was fairly brief, but now I had lost even more time. There was only one thing to do… Bump up the speed again, this time to a 6:58 pace. I figured I’d maintain that pace till the 30 minute mark and then start easing back down, thus accomplishing a solid (if a little fast by my standards) tempo run.

I continued on at this clip until the 3.33 mile mark. Halfway done but now I was beginning to hurt and I was starting to regret those last 5 beers and steakburger with cheesefries I had consumed the night before.

At this point I decided to check my heart rate with the hand grippers; big mistake! As I5 curled my fingers around the metal grips I got a reading, 165, but after releasing the grip the machine continued to register a heartbeat. There was only one plausible explanation: the daemon spirit in the treadmill had stolen my heart!

It was now 30 minutes in and I had gone about 4.25 miles. I was also starting to get extremely tired and dehydrated. However, I couldn’t risk slowing down now. If the treadmill were to stop at this point I could only logically assume that my daemon possessed heart would stop as well!

I told myself that I should just hold on till the 40 minute mark. I forged ahead. As the 40 minute mark approached I was starting to question if I was going to be able to finish. Luckily at this point the treadmill reached 5.66 miles and the daemon decided it was time to take over again! Again, the treadmill began slowing down to a 15 minute pace... all by itself!!! This time I was ready however, and quickly bumped the pace back to a 7:30 clip. With one mile left I clenched my teeth and finished out the race. As the 6.66 mile mark approached the machine began to count down: 3,2,1… and then mercifully the belt slowed to a stop. I had done it! I had survived the virtual run, beating the daemon and escaping its icy grasp on my way to a brand new 6.66 mile PR!!!

Final results: 6.66 miles, 47:16, a 7:06 AKA 6 minute and 66 second per mile pace

Epilog: If your reading this it means you are one of the few survivors of the global war. Welcome to the second Ming Dynasty. All in all it’s not so bad here. Sure, the zombie emperor can be cruel at times and eating with chopsticks is a pain in the ass, but you get used to it. And hey, look on the bright side… the vases are amazing!!! Just becareful not to break one… it might just contain your soul!!!! HAHAHAHAHA


  1. LOL. Your post was great! The best I've read so far. Keep it up!

  2. Funny.....I was thinking Ming the Emperor from Flash Gordon. Yeah, I'm a geek like that.

  3. My goodness man, you should become a writer. Actually, you already are one. This article had me rolling. The Ming Dynasty huh? I guess I survived the global war. I am not really certain how to comment to this post. lol. Other than the fact it was great. Keep it up man.

  4. LOL. you should win whatever prize is up for grabs!! coincidence working out your pacing like that. haha.