Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Tales from the Gym (part 3)

This will (hopefully) be my last tales from the gym for the foreseeable future… I’ve ran the last 4 days (24 miles) outside and I think I’ve successfully readapted for the time being…. But for now... here it is... another exciting installment of TALES FROM THE GYM!!!

Chapter 3: Track Bowling

My gym has a indoor track - 13 laps to a mile - which means if you try to run anything much faster than an 8 minute mile pace you begin to feel like you’re running in the gravatron…

Here’s a little diagram I mocked up of the track setup.

Now this track has 3 separate lanes and it’s common policy at the gym for all runner’s to occupy the outermost lane while walkers use the inner two (which are 14 laps to a mile and 15 laps to a mile). This is fine except, as you can see, there are 5 separate doorways that all open onto the outermost lane of the track. --- So that means that if I wanted to run a mile… hmmm, lets see… that’s 13 laps… times 5… carry the 2… = ABOUT A GAZILLION opportunities for people to step directly in front of you while you’re trying to run!!!

Now sure… they’re multiple signs hanging on, around, and in front of each doorway advising members to “Caution: Please Watch for Runner’s When Entering Track”. However, if you’ve read my previous “Tales From the Gym” post, then you’re well aware that reading and following signs is not a forte for many of the people who frequent my gym... which leads to the phenomenon that I’m going to discuss today: Track Bowling.


Track Bowling - When you're running around the track and run smack into someone as they step out in front of you.

The Spare - When they step out leaving me just enough time to channel my inner Barry Sanders (or for my younger readers: Chris Johnson) and nimbly dodge out the of way... sparing us both from injury and disaster.

The Strike - A direct hit!!! When they step out in front of me at I don't have enough time to dodge, but do have enough time to get my guard up to protect myself as I run them over!!!

Foot Fault - They step one with just one foot, giving me time to either hurdle, parry, or stomp the offending foot.

The Sleeper - When you dodge around one person only to run into another who is occupying the middle lane.

The Hook - When one of the walkers in the middle lane is too occupied texting on their cell phone to notice they're coming up on a turn in the track causing them to walk straight into the outer lane while allowing me to follow the curve and hook into them.

7 - 10 Split - When the same person walks out in front of me on one side of the track, walks across the inside of the track through the exercise equipment area, and then walks out in front of me again as I come around on the other side of the track... normally some meathead going from the stretch room to the weight room or vise-versa.

The Turkey - When the same person walks out in front of me three times in a session... Funny thing is that they always have that shocked deer in the headlights look when they realize that I'm barreling down on them... common buddy, three times in one workout? WTF... are you the guy from Memento or something?

Gutter Ball - When the entire track is occupied because "El Gordo" the fat trainer and his buddies are standing around in front of the weight room shooting the shit and you are forced to run off the track onto the exercise equipment area to get around them.

The 300 game - When I complete an entire indoor track workout without running into or dodging anyone!!! (BTW, has yet to happen)

Something that always amazes me at the gym: How people can manage to be so completely self-absorbed while simultaneously lacking any semblance of self-awareness…


  1. Ok that is bananas. Get thee arse outside again. And fantastic commenting on my blog, by the way.


  2. OMG, that's so funny... and fun!

  3. I seriously want to grab a beer and some bad bowling alley nachos and come watch this play out.

  4. Man, you have such a sense of imagination. That is false, because sounds like what happens at the gym is not. How many strikes have you had there man? From the reading, you might just want to change it from bowling to full out wresting. lol. jk. Have a good one. Thanks for fulfilling my request btw. Loved it. I think you should write a book on it. Get published.

  5. That's because most of the people that frequent the gym aren't actually there to run and are not runners themselves. Happens everywhere I think.

  6. Thanks for stopping by Team HQ. You pretty much nailed why I avoid gyms and tracks, not to mention bowling. Run well and drink well. Cheers.

  7. umm how many football field lengths is that track? i'm so confused...